got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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