Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
How's work?
Spinning.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
