i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The police scanner is talking about you again....
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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