Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
