Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
