I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
