she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
