I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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