Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Randomize
