if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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