At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
