Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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