He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize