i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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