I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
