I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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