My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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