They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
