And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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