found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
