The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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