I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
