i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Everything about him screamed your future.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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