got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
