I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
