if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
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