Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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