From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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