i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Damn victory sex feels great
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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