just come out here and I will go home with you...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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