Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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