I am in a vortex of obligation.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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