We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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