Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize