i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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