Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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