It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
