i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
