I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
