I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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