I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
