Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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