Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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