Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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