In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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