gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
