Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
