She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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