i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
