I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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