I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
