people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
