saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
