He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
