Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
