if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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