fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
He passed out mid-signature
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
