I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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