This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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