I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
